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My Hiatus and My Biggest Fear

So I took a 2-month break from blogging (not that I did very often or that I did for very long) in order to straighten my head out. I took some time off to travel and I took a yoga teacher training course and went home for a while.

This was the second time I’ve quit my job within a span of a year and both on different grounds.

The first time I left my job was on good terms with the company. My boss, bless his immigrant heart, understood that I wanted to temporarily leave Canada and head home to start a business in Malaysia. At least for two or three years. However, after spending some time home, I realize that the country I grew up in has changed drastically and so have I. Racial tension in Malaysia seemed to reach an all time high and politicians were banning the Ultraman TV show because Ultraman threatened Allah. Non-Muslims were forbidden to even use the term “Allah.” All in all, I decided I could not move home as originally intended due to this and many other factors…at least not now. I met with potential business partners but was constantly perturbed by the Malaysian kan cheong (fearful/nervous) mentality more than I hoped. Everyone around me seemed more worried about my future more than I was, that eventually my North American positivity began to dim. I started doubting the startup and myself a lot. So much so, that once I got back to Canada, I completely dismissed the idea.

Months passed by and I gave in to that kan cheong mentality and got a job. I thought that I could work full time and generate more savings while still figuring out what I need to do to accomplish my goal. So I started working again and I went full force working evenings and weekends, proving myself to the company. And yet I faced the same issues I did at my previous job: stress, crazy deadlines and no appreciation. My initial friendly demeanour had been the target of being bullied again at work by higher ups. Not long after, I began to stand up for myself at work and refused to work overtime week after week so that I did not create a trend. At the same time, the company was losing money and management was under duress. Shouting matches ensued in the office between the CEO and his team and the environment became completely hostile. Naturally, I thought about quitting a lot, which I eventually did on the spot. And amazingly enough, yet not completely unexpected, two colleagues walked out the door the same day, with the company losing 3 valuable individuals that day. And that’s how I left my second job.

Now, I’m back at trying to do something more meaningful in life.

Of course the fears are still at bay. I’m afraid of losing all my savings, I’m afraid I’ll become unmotivated and lose momentum, I’m afraid I’ll be a failure, I’m afraid my relationships will suffer, I’m afraid of a lot of things and a lot of the time but my biggest fear out of all of this is that I’ll regret never trying to accomplish anything. And that is what keeps me going.

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