I’m here…

When you feel like every relationship you’ll ever have is doomed because you’ll never find another person who will love you. This passage gives me hope that the right person is out there and he will be there for me.

I‘m here,” he says, “I love you and I‘m here.”

Oh, it’s okay, I say. I‘m totally fine on my own and I don’t need a man or anyone to show up for me.

I‘m here,” he says, “I love you and I‘m here.”

Well everyone else left, I say, not because it was time: they left because it got hard, or scary or too much: so why would you be any different?

I‘m here,” he says, “I love you and I‘m here.”

But I‘m not perfect, I say. I think I look really weird in side profile, and my belly is getting these strange lines and my teeth are getting yellow from all that coffee and my neck might be sagging.

I‘m here,” he says, “I love you and I‘m here.”

I got sexually abused as a kid, I say. And it’s not pretty, it’s not romantic like in the films where you just cry a bit and it goes away – it makes me lash out sometimes and shut down and do things I don’t totally understand.

I‘m here,” he says, “I love you and I‘m here.”

Sometimes I‘ll emasculate you, I say, I won’t mean too, but I‘ll totally do it ’cause that’s what I learned. I don’t even mean it, but it will hurt.

I‘m here,” he says, “I love you and I‘m here.”

I‘ve got a wall around my heart, I say, ’cause my Dad left and so did my first love and that guy I thought was my soulmate. Sometimes I‘ll think I don’t love you or anyone or myself, but that’s just ’cause everyone I loved left.

I‘m here,” he says, “I love you and I‘m here.”

I‘m not falling for it, I say. Everyone knows that long-term relationships don’t last and everyone cheats and it’s better to just be free and wild and do what you want.

I‘m here,” he says, “I love you and I‘m here.”

There are better women out there, I say. Ones who don’t pick fights and don’t go crazy and stop when you ask them too.

I‘m here,” he says, “I love you and I‘m here.”

I‘m gonna be powerful, I say. I‘m gonna be brilliant and big and I‘m not dimming my light for anyone, especially not you, and I‘ve been told that men fear powerful women.

I‘m here,” he says, “I love you and I‘m here.”

I‘m going to keep evolving, I say, like at the speed of light. I‘m going to love myself completely and know divinity in my bones and I‘m not stopping for anyone.

I‘m here,” he says, “I love you and I‘m here.”

Well. Shit, I say, fresh out of excuses.

…”I want to love you for all you are as a man,” I say, “and bring out the best in you and accept all of you and show up for you and love you like you‘ve never known and inspire your genius and your authenticity and your heart and your desire through our lives together.”

Yeah, he says, that’s why I‘m here.

“Okay,” I say.” Can we be even brighter and more amazing and incredible together than we ever could be alone, and yet still retain our individual freedom and essence?”

Yes, he says, that’s what love is.

Then, I‘m here, I say, I love you and I‘m here.

Me too, he says.

Adventures in Thailand, art, pets, rants, yoga

The Young Yogi and The Island

Oh gosh, it’s already September! 4 months has passed since I first arrived on this beautiful island.

My fiancé arrives next week and I’m very excited to see him. He told me it feels like forever since he has seen me. Whereas I feel like it was just a month that has passed since I saw him. I miss him but it doesn’t feel that long in my mind.

And so I reflected on my time here. So much has happened. I’ve met so many great people and had lots of amazing experiences. But why does it seem like such a short time?

Here on the island, I’ve been in this strange state where time seems to stand still. I feel like I’ve been suspended in time and I could stay here forever. Like some sort of trans-state or hypnosis. It’s an amazing feeling. I wake up feeling great everyday and happy to go about my day. Sometimes I forget what day it is. And sometimes I forget what time it is.

After teaching morning yoga I have so much spare time, yet I never once felt bored. I spent my days learning Thai, reading, practising yoga, and riding my bicycle/scooter to explore the island. In this constant state of exploration, I feel like the pages of my life story have just been a constant page turner. You know the kind of good book you can’t put down so you stay up reading it till 3 AM. I think right now, this is my life. Only there my story is pretty anti-climatic. It’s probably a lot like The Old Man and The Sea – some people love it, some people hate it.

Recently during my explorations, I wanted to look for interesting places to take my fiancé to when he arrived. I found an artsy boutique hotel where I fell in love with. It was that kind of vibe that I was drawn to. It beautiful handmade decorations from paper flowers and stars to large painted canvases. It conjured beautiful emotion.

As soon as I saw him, I knew immediately that he was the owner and the artist. I knew we could be friends. Initially, I asked just about the rooms, not wanting to impose. Then, I cycled home.

All the way home and the next day, I was washed over with the feeling of longing. I missed painting. I went to Art School and I miss the days where I and fellow students alike stayed up all night to finish projects. I missed creating.

That place brought back my desire to create. And so the next day, I went back to visit him. I asked him if I could buy canvas and paint from him. My Thai was as good as his English, but we understood each other. He understood I was an artist too. I interpreted his expression and his few words as, “Every artist needs to create, we will find you something.” And so he led me to his small studio, where he was painting a girl, who I found out later was his girlfriend.

After a little bit of shuffling, he sent me off happily with an old watercolour set, brushes, and paper. I grew up painting with watercolours but I quickly switched to acrylics like many artist do to the convenience of fast drying times and its adaptability to mistakes.  With watercolours, you needed to paint in “layers” and can be somewhat technical at times. There are ways “to erase” mistakes, but it’s better if you don’t make them at all.

The last time I used watercolours was probably when I was 18, almost ten years ago. So I decided to paint Koya (again) to get my feel for it back again.
Screen Shot 2015-09-04 at 11.36.32 PMTurned out alright! 65 likes on Facebook! Which is a lot of likes for a person like me, who only gets 5 likes on any given post…and that’s if I’m lucky. Which makes me wonder do people like this post because it’s a good painting or because it has a cute dog on it? Maybe a little bit of both?

Whatever it is, I’ll just keep doing what I love and let days like these be imprinted into my mind. One thing is for sure, if and when I have grandkids, I’ll never run out of stories to tell them.


Why we say, “Everything happens for a reason.”

“Everything happens for a reason.” In lieu of recent events, I have been telling myself this. And so have all my friends and family. We know that this saying holds true because well…it is true. Here’s my take on it from a linguistic perspective. Let’s discuss the word “happen.” It means to occur, to begin, to become of. If something happens, it comes into existence. The entity that was nonexistent turned into something tangible and real. And “a reason” means an explanation, an outcome so to speak. Take this sentence: “The reason why he yelled at us was because he was upset that he had lost all his money.” Now, although yelling is never an excuse, this sentence explains that the reason this person behaved irrationally was because he was upset that he had lost all his money. The outcome of it and what happened was that he yelled at us. So in this case, if we use the phrase  “Everything happens for a reason,” it would be before we knew the reason why he had acted that way and after it happened. Here’s a timeline of events:

Everything happens for a reasonSo…why do we say it? We say it because given time, the fog of the future will disappear and the reasons why things happened the way it did will unfold. We say it because history repeats itself and is therefore, the best predictor of the future. And we know from our own history and from experience that more often than not, there are reasons to why things happened. We say it to remind ourselves that the reason will be clear in due time and that we have to be patient and wait. I will talk more about the recent events that inspired this post when they become not-so-recent and I have a clearer perspective on how I want to talk about it. I will mentioned that, very much like the example in this post, there was inexcusable yelling involved. Thank you for reading.