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It’s been a while…

Hello again world,

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? My last post when I was in Luang Prabang, Laos…more than 4 months ago!

Well, it’s been quite the crazy (!) journey since then, I can tell you that. I read my own post to remember where I left off and I thank my former self for leaving my current self with the following quote from Steve Jobs :

You can’t connect the dots looking forwards, you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever.

I sure hope that I can see where the dots connect someday (preferably soon), and the bigger picture will be clearer.

Over the past few months, I went through a whirlwind of emotions and it seemed like life was really testing me – eye surgery, a wedding, and a whole lot of drama that I won’t discuss about here anytime soon. It was, and still is, a very stressful period of my life that I’m glad is almost done. I’m in a better place now and trying to maintain positive.

Anyway, I came across this TED talk that I’d like to share here.

To sum it up, psychologically our brains get stuck in states of negativity after a bad experience for longer periods of time compared to good experiences of the same weight.

You have to work to see the upside. Venting will not get rid of negative emotions. It makes us prolong the experience, so try to focus on the positives that happen and talk about that.

This is what happened to me. I remain stuck for a long time. The year I spent abroad teaching yoga I didn’t shed a single tear but in the last few months, all I seemed to be doing was break out in tears. It was not endless crying, mind you. There were days, where I would be feel completely fine but it wouldn’t last for long. The memories would resurface and I would go off again.

Being put on strict bed rest to keep my eye pressure down didn’t help me as I couldn’t do yoga, run or lift anything over 10lbs. I felt completely useless and helpless. I got restless and I had no outlet. So naturally that restlessness turned to frustration and negative energy that would be released on the people around me. I stopped meditating too because my restless mind couldn’t even begin to comprehend it. I allowed these feelings to take over my life and I was convinced that I was completely powerless over them.

But slowly, and thankfully, I started to work my way out of it. The wallowing period had to end. I forced myself to meditate again for at least 10 minute sessions. The sessions started off really difficult and left me thinking how did I manage half an hour each day for a whole year? With each day, it got better and I definitely saw the change in my days – more mental stability and calmness, compared to the days where I would skip out.

About 2 weeks ago, the doctor gave me clearance to do some activities again, which is an added bonus. No forward bending yoga still but I can climb and run. So I can’t complain too much. My physical body is beginning to feel stronger and with it my mind is as well.

It’s a slow process and a conscious and constant effort to restrain my mind from relapsing.  I’m trying to motivate myself each day by practicing visualization techniques, write myself little quotes and think positively about the future.

My second eye surgery to remove the oil that was put in from the first surgery is scheduled in about a week and a half. After which, I have at least 1-2 months of bed rest. So I better make the most of my time now while I can. Although I’m scared as I’ll only be under local anesthetic, which means I will be awake while they dig into my left eye, I’m looking forward to getting it over with and really be back on the road to recovery. Bring it on.

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